What happened today…

Not the best day in my life…

Before I begin, just wanted to say the featured image has nothing to do with what went on today. I just wanted to include a nice photo a friend took of me a couple of years ago to cheer myself up.

Today was not my best day. It started out OK, woke up, made coffee, chilled out while my body began to wake up, the usual. I felt fine and was ready to go to university to see what was in store for me. I had two classes which were about writing for the media and radio journalism. So let me explain why I didn’t have a great day.

Lately, my anxiety has been getting a little out of hand that I am struggling to grasp hold of who I am. My mind races with all these thoughts, thinking mostly the worst and if you too suffer from it then you know it is difficult to deal with, but I just want to reassure people that I am going to the doctor and taking prescribed medication to help me so please don’t worry.

My first lesson was about writing for the media. Now I was quite excited for this one as I thought I’d finally get to learn how to write better, but it wouldn’t be for a while. Obviously with it only being my second lesson of the week, we were just getting introduced to the module content to see what is in store for us, but nevertheless, I was pumped to see what the module was about.

We were told about this semesters coursework which we were asked to interview people and gather a news story around Sheffield before our deadline in December, and then write a critical assessment about ourselves and the module itself. The writing part I was fine with, sure sounds great! But the interviewing part was a red flag for me. I don’t do well with talking to people face to face most of the time as I stutter and slur my words, it makes me very anxious and so I began to feel uncomfortable.

I stayed calm and kept telling myself, “it wouldn’t be so bad, I’m sure I can do this”, but in typical anxiety fashion, it hit me like a brick wall. I started to panic and kept thinking that “this isn’t right, I shouldn’t be doing this, maybe this was all a big waste of time”. I kept my cool in front of everyone and just kept listening to our tutor.

When she finished explaining the module coursework to us, she asked us to do an ice breaker of sorts. We were to go around with our notebooks and interview each other, ask questions about everyone, get to know them. This is beyond my comfort zone, I don’t feel great just going up to someone and asking them questions about themselves, that’s when my anxiety completely took over. Thoughts raced through my head like a whirling tornado and I couldn’t stop it. My breathing started getting heavy and felt like the walls were closing in on me.

I felt a tear roll down my face and I immediately walked outside asking the tutor if I could speak with her. She gladly agreed, and we had a chat outside. I explained everything while in a messy state of tears and trembling. I told her that I hated myself for the way I was, that I didn’t know what to do with the course and whether I should be here or not. Julie reassured me that everything will be OK and that I was brave to come forward and explain what was going on. It did make me feel a lot better afterwards speaking with her. She asked me to email the course leader, so we can all have a chat about it all and see what can be done.

When I walked back in and took my seat, a few students came to me to make sure I was doing OK. The girl next me made sure I was alright, she helped me with the task we were asked to do. I explained that I didn’t feel great asking questions so instead she wrote down answers about herself which was very nice of her and made me feel more comfortable. She asked questions about me too and I was happy to talk a little bit about myself with her, I felt like I made a new friend today. By the end of it, I felt a bit calmer but I went outside to get a breather and gather my thoughts.

It absolutely sucks when things get out of hand and you feel like there is nothing you can do to help. I realize talking to someone does help, I am well aware of it but for me, I feel really crappy putting my worries on someone else, even if they want to help, I still struggle to talk to someone about what is going through my mind, it is very difficult to explain. Just imagine a tornado going through your head, mixing everything up. It is like that for me.

After all that, I had my next lesson which was radio journalism which was enjoyable but again, I couldn’t help but think this isn’t for me, I can’t see myself talking on the air or interviewing people in the streets, but I enjoyed the seminar anyway and learned a little bit about the subject.

I have contacted my course leader and I will be speaking with her tomorrow morning to sort things out so I’ll keep you all updated. Hopefully everything will be much clearer.

If you suffer from anxiety like me, please don’t keep it bottled up. Talk to someone, I know it’s difficult, believe me, but it does truly make you feel 1000 times better. Don’t suffer in silence like I did today. There are people that really care about you and are there to help you no matter what.

I hope to see you in my next blog, have a wonderful day.

Until next time,

Wild Link.

One Comment Add yours

  1. Lynda Mellor says:

    Well done Mathew hang in there. Perhaps interviewing your friends might help. Also talking to a mirror sometimes can help just pretending someone is in the mirror. We did that in our counselling course. Hope this helps.
    Auntie Lynda

    Liked by 1 person

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